Adolescent Mentality
by Autumn Thief
Summary: Pip and Alucard decide to prank Seras and Integra by making a potion that turns them back into 13year olds. Definitly PxS, Probably will be AxI, too...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.

Summary: As a prank, Pip and Alucard decide to mix up a potion that turn Seras and Integra into 13 year olds.

This Chapter: Just the beginning, when the two make the potion.

**In the Hellsing chemistry lab…**

"What are you doing?" Alucard inquired, phasing though the glass bottles in the Hellsing chemistry lab.

"Making a love potion," Pip replied.

"……….."

"For Seras."

"It won't work," Alucard said, and then added proudly, "I taught her how to be immune to poison and potions."

"Damnzit, vampire! Why do you haf to ruin' my fun?" Pip said.

"Because humans invented them, and humans are stupid, so, using deductive reasoning, love potions are stupid," Alucard adjusted his sunglasses.

"Well, I had felt zat Seras deserved more, so why not me?" Pip puffed out his chest.

"Because you're French."

"So? Ze Frech are supposedly ze most romantic. Anyway, _you_ are British."

"But I have an American accent."

"……..How does zat make sense? You're from Transylvania, 'ou live in Great Britain, and 'ou have an American accent," Pip wondered aloud.

"Beats me."

Pip sighed and put the potion book down. "Vell, my intentions were good, right? I just wanted to haf a little more fun. Integra is making us work harder zan ever."

"Tell me about it," Alucard said.

The two men stood in silence for a full minute. Then Alucard said, "Are you thinking…"

"Vat I'm tinking?" Pip smiled mischievously. "Vait… vat are _'ou_ tinking? Because what you're tinking is probably ten times vorse zan vat I'm tinking."

"Well, technically, I read your mind, so I stole your idea," Alucard said. "But I agree that we should prank them both."

"Vell, 'ow are ve going to do zat?" Pip put a hand to his chin, "'Ou said zat Seras is immune, and I know that Sir Integra wouldn't drink or eat anyting 'ou serve."

"Hand me that book, 'cause that was mine in the first place. I know a good potion in there," Alucard said.

Pip handed the worn potion book to the vampire. "Vhy do 'ou fav zat book anyvays? 'Ou said so yourself zat potions are stupid."

Alucard flipped though the old, worn-out pages. "This was from my home."

"Oh," Pip said quietly.

"'Oh' what? Is there something wrong with having something from your old life? I know you still have picture of your old girlfriends hanging in your room," Alucard said, now flipping more frustratingly though the pages.

"No, nothing ist vrong… Hey, 'ow do 'ou know zat I haf—"

"Found it!" the No-Life King said. "Potion that reverts you back into a 13-yr-old. We were actually going for 6-year old, but this book doesn't have it and I'm too lazy to get it."

"Zat's fine wit me. Okay, vat are ze ingredients?" Pip inquired.

Alucard showed the recipe to Pip.

"Zat's not zat difficult," Pip remarked. "But of course, I'm no expert."

"We'd have to tune it down. This potion was meant to last for two years, but I know that you were only thinking for about a week or so, right?" Alucard said.

"_Oui_."

"Okay, then: let's get started. Hand me that vile, and grab all the ingredients in the cabinet that's marked 'Walter'," Alucard ordered. He then took off his red duster, hat, and sunglasses and put on a white lab coat and goggles. Pip, after grabbing the glass bottles filled with all sorts of thing followed suit.

"Alucard, how come Walter has all ze tings for this potion?" Pip asked suspiciously.

"He had a potion-fetish when he was younger," Alucard said, then lit the Bunsen burner.

"Oh," Pip measured out the ingredients. "…Vell, does he make potions now?"

"Eh, I don't really care if he does or doesn't," Alucard said. "Light that Bunsen burner over there, and then measure out in the beaker 200mL of water."

"That's a bit a lot, isn't it? But I suppose that we haf to make extra just in case we mess up, right? I'll measure out zis into ze beaker because it says so 'ere," Pip said and showed Alucard the ingredient he was talking about.

For a couple of minutes, the two worked silently on the potion.

"By ze way, vhy do ve haf to make ze potion for Sir Integra? Zis potion is kinda light for a prank, and zat's vhy I'm making zis for Seras, but I had thought zat you would, I don't know, do somting more, ah, malicious."

"Well, I _was_, but then I decided it'd be too much of a struggle to make two different potions. Don't lift up your goggles just yet to clear the fog; it's going to spit soon," Alucard said the solution of the water and the key ingredient boiled down to the precipitate. "Also, I thought about how she's going to have to kill me in the end, 'cause I'm a vampire, and that got me motivated for the wicked potion, but then I thought: if I make a more malicious potion now, she'd kill me sooner."

The two started chopping and sifting separate ingredients.

"How's Seras? I haven't seen her in a while," Alucard inquired.

"Vhy do 'ou vant to know?"

"Just wondering, you don't have to get all _defendant_ about it."

"She's fine."

"You sound disappointed," Alucard criticized.

"Vell, I really don't know vat I'm doing vrong. I thought ze ladies loved ze French romanticists," Pip admitted.

"Uh, I could be that one, you still have pictures of your old girlfriends in your locker, and two, that your serenading isn't exactly serenading."

"So, zen vat do I do?"

"Well, she's a vampire, so she'd going to live longer than you. Eventually she'll find out that humans come and go like the tide, so relationships won't really matter," Alucard said.

"If relationships don't really matter, zen it doesn't really matter if she hast one, right?" Pip said.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know vat you meant," Pip said. "But I know zat she's not like 'ou. She doesn't look at humans as just humans. She doesn't take anyting for granted, and she helps her soldiers all the time. She vorks hard, too. Everyone likes her as a commander. Vat makes Seras strong ist her heart, not ze blood she drinks."

Alucard stopped measuring for a second, then said, "If you told her _that, _maybe she'd consider you, you know?"

"Tell her vat?" Pip asked.

"What you just said," Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Vat did I just say?" Pip said, blushing, giving away that he really did know what he confessed.

"Nevermind."

A minute passed.

"So… 'ou really don't vant to die?" Pip asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm continuing our conversation."

"Oh," Alucard said and though back to the previous topic.

"I'm murdering you next if you ask any more questions," Alucard said as he stirred the precipitate into yet another glass vile, turning the solution of with the other ingredients into a bluish-color.

Pip shut up for maybe one second then said: "If 'ou kill me, zen how are 'ou going to make ze potion. You're too lazy."

"Life is boring. No wonder I'm lazy," Alucard snapped. "And you're stirring that the wrong way. Look, its one clockwise stir, then two counter-clockwise stirs."

"Vell, _someone's_ gotten up on ze wrong side of ze coffin," Pip accused.

"Well, of course I have, because Integra made me get up early. It wasn't even three yet."

"Vow… I remember ven I slept 'till three in the afternoon," Pip reminisced as he added another teaspoon of an factor to the concoction.

"Hmmm… I forget: Do humans get cranky if they don't have sleep?" Alucard asked.

"Uh, yes. And let me just point out zat 'ou said that you get cranky ven 'ou got woken up early, too," Pip said, slightly offended. "But vat does zis haf to do vith… oh, you're tinking about making a sleeing potion for Sir Integra?"

Pip pondered the fact of Integra and her sleep. "I guess she doesn't get much 'eep, does she? Let's zee… she ist up around nine, than she goes all ze way to ten in ze night, which I suppose ist ven 'ou wake up normally, and then she stays up until 'ou get back from vatever 'ou do in the country, and zen I'm pretty sure she hast to deal vith 'ou until you decide ist time to retire………No vonder she's pissed all the time."

"'Deal with me'? What does that mean?" Alucard frowned, and handed him the glass stirring rod to Pip. "Anyway, maybe I should make a sleeping potion for her for about… a week?"

"Don't look at me. I von't make it for 'ou," Pip said. "Besides, if she does fall asleep for a veek, zen she'd haf to deal vith all the paper work of a veek, and zen some. And vhen she finds out that 'ou vere ze one zat made her fall asleep for a veek…" Pip continued.

"She'd really kill me. Ah, well, I wasn't going to put myself to the trouble to make it anyways," Alucard said. "We're almost done."

"Alucard?"

"What?"

"'Ow do 'ou know zat she'd kill 'ou?" Pip asked. "She ne'er attempted before, hast she?"

"I dare you to make her really really, really, really mad. Not just _mad_ mad," Alucard said, then added seriously: "You don't know her like I do. She has… she has really hurt me sometimes."

"…Really?" Pip looked up at the vampire. Pip decided not to inquire about the situation any further. He changed the topic instead: "I try not to hurt Seras."

Alucard did a double take. "_You _hurt _Seras?_ I'd like to see you even try. I mean, how may times has he broken your cheek bone from just slapping you?"

"I didn't mean physically. A lot of times after she calls ze end of a session, ist usually late. I zen typically invite the boys out to go to a bar or something, to haf a drink, 'ou know?"

"…And?"

"Vell, one time I accidentally invited her."

"And she couldn't do anything with you guys, could she?"

"I tried to tell her zat most people go out to a bar as an excuse to just socialize, and zat not ordering anyting to drink or to eat vasn't really suspicious, but still…" Pip peered into the opaque-blue solution. "She didn't seem like she vas enjoying herself."

Pip added a moment later: "So now even though I don't yell out that ve're going to ze local bar, I know zat she knows."

Alucard took the hot vile and set it in ice-cold water for it to cool rapidly. Slowly but surely, the blue solution turned clear, so that if one were to compare it to water, it would look exactly the same.

"Perfect," Alucard grinned, showing his fangs. He handed the vile to Pip.

"Zis is it? Ve're done?" Pip asked. He put the potion on the counter and started to clean up. "Um, Alucard, can you 'elp clean zis mess up? Just use your powers or vatever."

Alucard, to Pip's gratitude, complied, and the mess mess was cleaned within a blink of an eye.

"'Ow are ve going to get zis potion to Seras and Sir Integra?" Pip asked the question they were both wondering.

"I can put Seras' in one of the corpses she'd be feeding off tonight; I can make it so she won't be immune to this one," Alucard stated aloud.

"Zat…zat's nice to know," Pip said. "So, in zat case, I'll be doing Sir Integra's. I know one of ze cooks ist more charmed by _skills_, so vile the cook ist not looking, I can slip ze potion into Sir Intgra's drink. Deal?"

"Deal," Alucard confirmed, and they made for leave.

"And before I forget," Pip said. "Does ze potion have any side-effects?"

"How would I know?" Alucard grinned.

"Vell, I know zat you don't care about Sir Integra, but I'm concerned about Seras," Pip said. "Ze beginning of teenage life ist usually depressing, and I don't know about Seras' teen years. I'm just vondering: does ze potion makes your mentality revert back to zat of ze adolescent state?"

"We'll find out, won't we?" Alucard said. "Adiós."

Alucard disappeared.

"I'm pretty sure he grew up in Transylvania, but now he lives in Britain, he hast an American accent, and he knows Spanish?" Pip asked the night. "And I trust 'im?..."

"Shit-fuck."

Fin.

My favorite line of Pip's: "Shit-fuck."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.

Summary: As a prank, Pip and Alucard decide to mix up a potion that turn Seras and Integra into 13 year olds.

This Chapter: The two girls of Hellsing decide to think about how to get back at Alucard and Pip, but being teenagers, they are easily distracted.

**In the Hellsing Manor…**

"He got me," Integra said aloud.

The infamous Hellsing director was standing in her bathroom, staring at her reflection; however, the reflection was a good one and a half feet lower than what it used to be. She was a teenager once again. The 'he' she was referring to was none other than the No-Life King, Alucard.

Integra concluded that this was a prank, and that he had tampered with the dinner she ate the night before. Rubbing her temples, she thought about the current situation in more depth. Questions like 'how long will it last?', 'is there any way I can undo this?', 'what are my disadvantages?', 'how will this handicap me?', 'will this have an effect on my work?', and 'what sort of chastisement is suitable for him?' all ran through her head.

A minute passes and another question popped up: "Is it not better to be younger?"

Integra raised an eyebrow at this thought. Many adults say they wish to be younger, with the knowledge they have gained as an adult. "'If I knew then what I know now'," Integra whispered to her reflection. A sly smile crept to the teenage Integra's lips. She knew now that this situation could turn out to be useful.

In a flash, Integra was out of her bathroom and in her closet, putting on the only thing that would fit her: her school-uniform apparel. She then walked out the door and into the hallway, heading towards her office.

Opening the doors and stepping onto the familiar tiled floor, Integra would have normally reached into one of her desk's drawer for a cigar, but for some reason, she had no desire to smoke anymore. Instead, Integra grabbed a pen with her left, gloved hand and started twirling it. She sat _on _her desk, going though new paper work that was put on her desk overnight in record time. _You truly do have more energy as a kid, _Integra thought.

After she was done, Integra realized that sitting in an office was just plain boring, and couldn't believe that that was all she did as an adult. The young Hellsing felt a need for excitement. _Why not to the shooting range?_ Integra thought.

**In Seras's Chamber…**

It felt incredibly dreary as Seras got up. Walking out of her room in plain pajamas, she shuffled her way to the kitchen for an early-morning snack. _Wait… _morning

Seras glanced at the sky though the windows. The sun was definitely up, but the rays were shielded by the great, swirling clouds. Rubbing her tired eyes again, she looked out the window a second time, hardly comprehending that it was A.M. daylight. _Why did I get up this early? It's not even the afternoon yet. This is so lame, Seras_ shouted in her head, frustrated that she wasted a good eight extra hours of sleep.

She stared out the window for a good five minutes, moth open, eyes dazed. Then, finally: "I need coffee."

Unfortunatley, in the Hellsing Manor, there was no teenagers' god of caffeine… just tea. On the optimistic side, Seras figured out that there was no way the average coffee could wake her up. _Mayhap there's a café down the block? _Seras pondered for a bit. _Yeah, that sounds like a good idea._

Seras, unaware that she was still in her pajamas, fazed though walls until she reached the outside. The vampire closed her eyes to minimize the intensity of the sun on her used-to-indoors eyes. "Now… which way would I go to—"

Seras was shot in the jaw. She felt her jaw being dislocated, her teeth smashing into calcium particles, and tasted the rich blood mixed with earth as she fell to the ground. Pain centered on her face, so excruciating that the vampire could not get up. However, she did manage to grasp and examine the shell that hit her. _Silver_, Seras cursed. _Who the bloody hell did this?_

Seras, with her horizontal field of vision, agonizingly turned her head towards the manor, because the shot seemed to come form that area. _Bloody hell…_ Seras groaned. The person who shot her down was none other than Integra… but Integra looked different…

"What the hell did you do that for, bugger!" Seras yelled at her boss (though, it didn't quite come out like that, for the bottom half of her face was on the ground.) As an afterthought, she wondered where she got the courage to speak to Integra like that.

"What? I can't hear you," the Hellsing director mocked as she walked toward her quarry. Stop twitching, you face is already repairing itself."

Indeed, the wonders of the undead ability to heal rapidly were beginning to work. The tendons started to mend itself and the fangs grew back in as if she wasn't even shot in the first place. When she snapped her jaw back in place, Seras repeated her statement: "What the hell did you do that for, bugger!"

"I was just practicing, and you fazed out of the wall."

"So just shoot one of your own men, then?!" Seras said. "What in God's name gives you the right to shoot anybody anyway? If I were a human, I'd be dead."

"Then I suppose that's one of the benefits of being a vampire," Integra said. "However, you're not to leave the grounds… and you were definitely getting ready to leave."

"How do you know that? All I did was just step outside for a second," Seras said airily. "Maybe I just wanted to get some fresh air? Is it wrong to want to get fresh air?"

"You don't need to breathe, _vampire_."

"But why did you shoot me?" Seras repeated.

"Is it wrong to want to shoot an undead?"

"I'm pretty sure it's wrong to shoot, _Sir."_

"It doesn't matter; you're better now, aren't you?" Integra said.

"It still hurt," Seras glared.

"Judging by the way you came out of the manor dazed, I'd say that you were in some odd mood for caffeine, found out there was no coffee, and thus wanted to go some café," Intgra stated.

"….How did you just figure that out?"

"By shooting you, I woke you up, so I guess you don't have to go to the café anymore," Integra said.

"That is where you are wrong, Sir Hellsing," Seras said as she stood up, for she was still lying on the ground, which was quite uncomfortable. "I still want caffeine, and I can guarantee that your next shot will miss."

"Is that a threat to leave the vicinity without my permission, Officer Victoria?"

"You can bet your arse it is," Seras said.

"If I deduced why you came outside, then I can probably predict which way you will move to avoid me, and which way you think I will think that you will think that I will think you will move, and so on," Integra said.

"But you never really know what will happen, because you can't see the future. There is always the possibility that your conclusion will turn out negative," Seras retorted. "And if you believe that your culmination is 100 verifiable, then you believe that you must be Achilles without a heel."

"That goes the same for you," Integra said. "Are you willing to take that risk?"

"If I get shot again, I can certainly heal, but if I don't get shot, then—"

"I will certainly shoot you again. That time there was instant pain relief. This time, I have a different set of bullets that I invented this morning to negate that instant pain relief and healing abilities that you have. I want to try them out."

Seras was about to say something when she finally pinpointed what was different about Integra. "………..You're short."

There was a pause.

"You're… You're a kid!" Seras said.

Integra pushed up her glasses. "So are you."

"Oh my God! I am?" Seras looked at her hands. They were definitely less wrinkled, and she _did _feel smaller.

"Is that why I was so… retortive?" Seras stammered.

"Is that why I didn't actually shoot you again?" Integra wondered aloud.

There was another pause.

"Wanna get some coffee?" Seras asked.

"Certainly," Integra said. "We can discuss how to get back at Pip and Alucard for doing this to both of us."

Integra and Seras started walking to the garage, where all sorts of vehicles were stored.

"Wait, how do you know that it was Pip's and Alucard's doing?" Seras asked.

"I've known Alucard longer than you have, Seras. And actually, I believe that it was Pip's idea at first, but then Alucard came in," Integra said.

"Pip?...No way," Seras said. "But now that I think about it, it does make sense. If you didn't suggest it though, I wouldn't have even guessed."

The two were at the garage. At the same time they both said: "I'll drive."

Sersas, with her fast vampire reflexives, snatched the keys from off the wall, but Integra's hand already grabbed the spare in her pocket. Nevertheless, they were at a stalemate once again.

"Sir, I should drive, besides, I hear you barely get any sleep at night," Seras said slyly. "And, of course you can figure out that teenager plus lack of sleep plus car equals car crash."

"Hmmm… you do have a point there," Integra put the keys back into her pocket. "Go ahead; knock yourself out."

Integra got into the shotgun seat while Seras adjusted the driver's seat. "This is so weird being like this again."

Seras turned on the ignition. _I wonder how old we look. _Seras glanced into her rear-view mirrors. _Integra probably know the answer…_ "Hey, Sir Integra…?"

But the teenage Integral was already asleep, mouth open and static-y hair clinging to her face. Seras stifled a laugh. _Where's a camera when I need one?_ Then suddenly, Seras felt the urge to check into her pajama pocket for a cell phone, and found –gasp- a cell phone! Flipping it open Seras hurriedly taking a picture of her boss, hopefully to use as blackmail for later. The young day-walker drove out of the large driveway and onto the street towards London.

When they got to the café and obtained their drinks, Seras realized to her misfortune that she would not be able to drink the latte she ordered. After sipping the coffee of the day, Integra said to annoy Seras: "Mmmm, this is so good."

"Thanks for rubbing it in, _Sir," _Seras grumbled.

"Well, if you so desire caffeine, then I dare you to drink your latte."

"Why even make that bet, Sir, if you know the odd is against me? If I drink it, I'll get sick," Seras said. "_Duh_."

"I though the odd was for you. You goal is to consume some sort of caffeine; that latte has caffeine, so why not drink it? Whether or not you become sick, you would have obtained your goal," Integra said.

"You have a point," Seras acknowledged. "But, still…"

"It will take some time for me to finish _my _drink. So, if you don't enjoy your latte with me then you'll just have to endure the anxiously you feel of not being able to drink your beverage."

"That'd be nice, but I know what's really right: not drinking the beverage, and in turn, _not _becoming sick," Seras leaned back on her chair, inhaling deeply.

"You're calling what you really want _wrong_, then," Integra stated.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did: 'Not drinking the beverage' as 'right,' so drinking it, which you do want, would be labeled 'wrong,'" Integra said.

"I suppose it's all up to my decision, then."

"In the end, it always is."

"Alright: why not? I'll drink my latte," Seras smiled.

Seras took a sip of the luscious drink, and then another… and then another. The vampire smiled again. "I have no regrets."

"Rhetoric wins again," Integra said.

"What?!" Seras slammed down her half-way empty cup on the table. "You mean you meant to get me to drink that?"

Integra nodded.

"Now I'm going to get sick."

"I thought you said, 'I have no regrets,'" Integra said.

Seras took another gulp of the latte, it certainly was good. "But still, Sir Integra…"

"But think about it: we have no idea if you will get sick or not. We know for certain than if a vampire consumes anything other than blood, they will be ill. What we don't know is if you will get sick in this current younger form you adorn," Integra backed up in her chair. Seras seemed angry, and the Hellsing didn't want a hot latte to be chucked at her if things got ugly.

"True, true," Seras replied. "But you could have told me; what you did just now wasn't kind. And I'm your employee!"

"I thought it over, and all things considered, you would have said 'no,'" Integra. "So the only way I found to test this question was to not tell the subject."

The two were glaring at each other profoundly. In less than a second, Seras grabbed Integra's drink from her hand and splashed the contents all over Integra.

Integra fell over her chair and onto the ground. "What the bloody hell?!!"

"Bet you didn't see that coming!" Seras said gleefully. "That was for shooting me and using me!"

"Ow… God damnit; I'm totally soaked!" Integra said. "Hand me that napkin, Seras."

Seras, still laughing, unconsciously handed her boss a fistful of napkins.

Integra furiously tried to soak up the latte that stained her coat. Seras continued sipping her latte. A waiter walked over to the two and handed Integra some paper towels.

"Pardon me, misses, but you have to leave. You are disturbing our customers," a café employee notified the teenagers.

Seras and Integra left, walking towards their car.

"Nice going, Seras," Integra said sarcastically.

"Heh, but you have to admit, I got you. You had absolutely no idea that was coming at all," Seras smiled.

Integra sighed, "You're right. I had no idea that you had so little control. What an embarrassment."

Seras fell silent for a moment. "So what if I had little control, maybe it's better to act on one's instincts. And 'embarrassment'? Please, you have too much pride."

"Well, what will my father say when he finds out that I stained my coat?" Integra said.

"I don't know, but if you tell my father that I did this to you, I'd be grounded for, like, a week!" Seras said. "I'll keep quiet about your jacket to your father if you don't tell my dad."

"Deal," Integra shook Seras's hand.

There was a pause.

"Wait, my pa is dead," Seras said slowly.

"And mine too…," Integra furrowed her eyebrows.

Seras glanced at Integra. "Good lord, I acted so immature back there! I'm so sorry, Sir. I do have more control; I'm actually at the peak of my control. I probably wouldn't have done it if…"

"…if you were older," Integra finished the sentence. "And that goes for me."

Integra bit her lip then said: "I, perhaps, wouldn't have used you the way I did if I was older, because I would have known that an action like that destroys trust. When I was young, I didn't know of trust."

"That means we both acted immature," Seras stated. "Does that mean that we lost some wisdom of the years when we were adults?"

"Seems like it," Integra said. "And I now just realized: our goal at the café was to formulate a plan to settle the score with Alucard and Pip. All we did was argue."

"So, nothing was accomplished because we were both distracted," Seras said. "Maybe we can't get back at them, but we'll definitely have to try."

"We must use the advantages we have as teenagers to overcome our obstacles," Integra said. "So, let's think like teenagers. What do boys hate?"

"Um…"

"Hmmm, since we're girls, that's a ridiculous question. We have no notion of what they dislike."

"I don't know what we thinking of doing, but I want it to involve nail polish remover," Seras suggested.

"That's a start. How about this: drive us to the nearest supply store so I can get a paper and pen so we can brainstorm on the materials," Integra ordered.

"Yes Sir!"

**Fin.**

Absolutely nothing was accomplished in this chapter! --

Actually, it's typical of teenagers to think of materials for a school project before they actually think about the project.

I will try harder to update sooner. I have 3 excuses: writer's block, when I actually sat down to conquer the writer's block, no ideas came to me, and laziness.


End file.
